Lost But Not Gone
by knightrighter
Summary: Detective Olivia Benson was far from some green rookie; she worked the grittiest cases and bore witness to unimaginable evils; lives forever shattered, colleagues killed in the line of duty. But this…this was different, this was Alex.
1. A Crimson Reminder

**Lost but Not Gone**

**Disclaimer:** Law & Order SVU and all characters are the property of Executive Producer Dick Wolf, NBC Universal I am just simply using them for entertainment purposes and am not making any profit from this story. This is my first attempt at fanfic, and I hope you find it as enjoyable to read as it was to write.

**Author's Note. **This is my attempt to fill in some of the blanks from "Loss"

**CHAPTER I. A Crimson Reminder.**

This was a night Olivia would never forget; Monday, September 29, 2003.

***

Olivia Benson paced back and forth in the hospital hallway, under ominous fluorescent lights. With every step she took, the night's events replayed in her head like an old horror film. She chastised herself for not throwing Alex out of the way of that bullet, or for not taking it herself. Her mind raced with thoughts of the regrets she would have if Alex didn't make it. Those kinds of thoughts sent shudders up and down her spine. Olivia tried to keep telling herself that Alex was going to be okay. She would tell her all the things that she had never had the courage to say.

Elliot sat quietly watching his partner's nervous pacing; his foot bouncing nervously against the cold linoleum floor. Their attempts to assuage their unease were interrupted by a white-coat clad doctor with a pale face walking slowly towards them. She recognized the look on his face all too well. It was the look she had donned so many times before when she had to do the unenviable task of informing someone that they lost a loved a one.

The young doctor walked solemnly towards the two detectives. Olivia stopped in her tracks to face him, with fear in her eyes. Elliot stood up anxiously and turned toward the doctor as he looked from one to the other. "Detectives…" His voice was soft and compassionate. "I'm so sorry, we did all we could. Ms. Cabot didn't make it."

Olivia steadied herself with whatever strength that remained in her. As she leaned against the wall as she felt a wave of nausea and dizziness cascade through head felt hot and the room began to spin; she thought for a second she might collapse.

The deep churning in her stomach intensified as she processed the words that had just fallen from the doctor's mouth. She turned violently and ran through the heavy hospital doors, careening into a nearby waiting room. Her eyes frantically scanned the room for a wastebasket and she leaned over it desperately; getting violently sick.

He watched, as she remained hunched over the trashcan trying to calm her breathing. Olivia raised her eyes slowly to meet his gaze.

Olivia had told herself to keep it together in front of him, but the reality was she didn't have the power to keep her composure; this was too much to conceal. He understood. Elliot drew closer to her as she lowered her head again, sobbing furiously.

He placed a steady, soothing hand on her shoulder, and gently caressed her back.

She tried to straighten up and stand without leaning on the trashcan but stumbled despairingly.

Elliot could see her once again lose her balance, and slid his arms around her shoulder, leaning her visibly weakened body against his own.

"You're alright, I got you. You're okay." He tried. "Let's sit down." He supported her over to an unwelcoming waiting room couch in the corner of the room.

She didn't even try to stop the surge of tears spilling down her face. "How did I let this happen?!"

"Olivia…" He put his arms around her trying to comfort her. "Shh, it's okay, it's alright Liv." He whispered as Olivia slid into his embrace, although he knew that it wasn't alright…it would _never_ be alright.

Elliot just sat there, holding his partner in a comforting embrace as she cried heavily for what she had lost, for he knew there was nothing he could say or do to make this hurt go away.

__

"Liv." Elliot spoke gently to her after some time, his eyes were with heavy with sadness as he looked at his partner. "Here." He offered up a damp towel, "you probably want to get cleaned up."

Olivia clenched her eyes tightly closed for just an instant and shook her head despondently. She looked down at her hands; they were still covered with the blood she had so desperately tried to keep inside Alex's body. It made it all too real; Alex was gone. She couldn't pretend this was all just a nightmare.

"Here," Elliot repeated as he handed her the towel, but she simply let it lay in her hands, as if she forget what to do with it, or didn't care. "Olivia," he sat down next to her again and took the towel to try and wipe Alex's blood off his partner. She was covered in it; it was caked under her fingernails and all over her hands and clothes. He gave up, finally dropping the towel on the floor. He sat there staring at the towel with faint bloodstains and then looked at the painful sight of his partner's profound suffering.

"We are the ones who were supposed to be in the front line," Olivia suddenly blurted harshly a few moments later, catching him off guard. "We're the ones who put ourselves in danger every time we go to work. She wasn't supposed to get hurt…we were supposed to protect her." Olivia's voice was elevating, as her despair grew into guilt and anger. _"I didn't protect her! I should've taken that bullet, not her, El!"_

"Olivia, you know that none of what happened tonight was your fault." He wanted to go on, but after years of working with Olivia Benson, he understood her stubbornness more than anyone. Nothing he said was going to make it any better. Instead, he lay his strong muscular arm around Olivia's own broad shoulders, comforting her as best as he knew how.

He broke the silence a few minutes later, "It's pretty late, I can finish up here with the Marshals, why don't you go home, get away from all this, get some rest."

"I don't feel much like sleep right now."

He took Olivia's hand gently, "You can't stay here all night. Want me to drive you home?"

Drained and empty, she sighed, "I don't know El…I just don't know."

"You're welcome to stay at mine tonight if you don't feel like being alone, I'm sure Kathy won't mind if you take the living room."

"No, that's ok, really. Maybe I will just go home."

"You sure?" He asked concernedly.

"Yea, I just feel like being alone right now."

Elliot walked Olivia down to the hospital lobby, "Come on, I'll drive you."

"Thanks Elliot, I appreciate it, it's ok though, I think I'll just walk, take the subway, I just kind of need to…need to clear my head."

"Olivia, you had a rough night, it's late, please don't make me worry about you even more, let me drive you home." Elliot tried again to convince her.

"No, it's okay, really, please, just let me be alone right now." She sighed trying to remain composed, "I'll call you tomorrow…thanks for everything."

Elliot stepped closer to her and held her tightly, "I'm so sorry, Olivia." He whispered. A single tear streaked down Olivia's cheek, "Me too, El, me too." They broke their embrace and Elliot watched Olivia's solemn walk away from the hospital.


	2. Death Sentence for a New Life

**CHAPTER II: A Death Sentence For a New Life**

The last thing that she remembered was the look on Olivia's face, leaning over her on that cold sidewalk. Then she woke up in an unfriendly hospital bed. A grating combination of numbness and pain coursed through her shoulder. She slowly peeled open her heavy eyelids to the sight of a stream of doctors, nurses, and US Marshals.

"Ms. Cabot," a loud voice boomed from above her. Her head was still foggy as she struggled to try to piece together what was happening. _Where is Olivia?_ She wondered.

Alex looked up to see Agent Hammond standing over her. "You were involved in a shooting, do you remember?"

"Uh..vaguely." She managed a groggy response, using all of her energy to get keep her eyes open and her attention up.

"There is only way that we are able to protect you from Cesar Velez, Ms. Cabot, and that is if you are dead. From here forward, the only way we can keep you alive is if you are officially dead. Do you understand?"

"Uhh..." Trying to absorb what she was being told. "Everyone will believe I am dead?" She struggled to ask.

"Yes, Ms. Cabot, it is the only way to assure your safety for the time being"

Alex immediately thought of Olivia; how she must be feeling right now, "I need to see Detective Benson." Alex managed to say.

"You need to obey orders in order for your safety to be guaranteed, is that understood?" His voice was stern and foreboding.

"And I need to see her before I leave, or I won't agree to this and you can stick your guarantee up your ass, is _that _understood?" She shot back, wearily but as best as she could muster. Even laid up in a hospital bed, ADA Cabot was going to have things her way. "I owe it to her, and Detective Stabler; I can't live knowing that they think I am dead."

"You realize you most likely wont have the chance to live with that guilt if it is made known that you are in fact, alive."

"It's two detectives. Two trustworthy detectives. It's that or I don't go."

"Fine, tomorrow night, right before we move you out. Two minutes! That's it!" He conceded and stormed out.

Alex shook with fear, _is this all really happening_. What had just unfolding incredibly rapidly was almost too much to absorb. She closed her eyes tightly, and could feel a hot tear slide down her cheek. She knew her life was about to change, forever.


End file.
